What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall