me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes