me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat