Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
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Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
#NeverForget
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them