Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.