@TedInModeration

Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…

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@RocketRankoon

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

@garrykerls

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

@pittdave13

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

@ShortSleeveSuit

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@GrumpyBahr

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

@seamussaid

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

@tsm560

I hate when I mix my metaphors and all hell breaks wind.

@HandfulOfLewds

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

@TheHyyyype

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”