Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: Oh.

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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.


Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first


Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”


Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.


My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.


[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?


‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.


[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in


Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down