IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
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8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Everything reminds me of my ex
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]