@Tups13

Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: Oh.

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@GingerHotDish

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

@crocodilethumbs

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

@SteveMartinToGo

Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”

@jctwritesstuff

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

@Julian_Deane

My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.

@Sean_Burgundy_

[1st date]

Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?

Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?

@golub

‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.

@Thynebear

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

@pilau

Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!

Penny: Please put me down