My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My computer keeps trying to turn me. asked if Im a robot again. No mate still not a robot.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink ma’am ?
Me: Wow really bro right in front of me?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down