Me: Will you help me find my Pikachu onesie?
Her: Let’s split up.
Me: Good thinking. We can cover more ground that way.
Me: Oh.

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If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks


Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.


Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus


Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE


wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece


If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*


The hardest part of being a dog is not understanding why squirrels don’t want to play with you.


Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.


EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes