Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
You Might Also Like
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.