my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
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My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
The internet is full of many things
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.