My kitchen overserved me.
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
oh my god
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
this makes me so uncomfortable
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR