An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
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[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Once again not all heroes wear capes
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Me, flirting😏
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house