I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
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I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004