Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!


eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft


Amazon review: Amazon river

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.


Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.


Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.


If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin


Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.


Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges


Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.