Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

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*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*


He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her


You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.


Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while


When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.


NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?



NOAH: karaoke’s at 7


“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs


John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring


Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate