*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
John Lennon: Imagine all the people
Me: Ok but this is extremely boring
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate