ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Lol #dogsoftwitter
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.