Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
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Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Meowchelangelo
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?