@faungirl123

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

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@ItsAndyRyan

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

@JediGigi

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

@AimeeHelene1

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

@suecorvette

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

@AbbieEvansXO

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

@byrdie_num_num

Just updated my resume. Changed ‘ambitious’ to ‘am-no-longer-bitious’.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools