friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
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And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT??
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Bruce Wayne: I wanna fight crime.
Alfred: You’re a billionaire. Open orphanages, free clinics, day care cen-
Bruce: No I wanna punch people.
Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it?
That’s twitter in human form.
Me: I need to know if it’s a bit breezy out and I need to know now! and at all the other times, day and night, and I need the neighbours to know too
Wind chimes: we won’t let you down sir
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
Dammit I forgot my headphones and I’m at the airport wait here’s some for 16 million dollars thank god.
Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich