me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
You Might Also Like
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
what kind of cook setting is this??
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…