@caseytduncan

Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.

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@thenatewolf

*Orders pizza*

What a night

*Phone buzzes*

And a text? Killing it

*checks phone*

ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising

@FrazzleMyGimp

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@Tmoney68

FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.

@Jesssicle

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

@maisondecris

[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen

@dadmann_walking

Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]

me: eat!

7: it’s not fair

10: yea

me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.

5: poop head daddy.

@TheAndrewNadeau

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

@Parentpains

My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.