@mynameisntdave

ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

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@HatfieldAnne

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

@PabloGSerski

Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.

@orange_rhymer

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

@clichedout

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

@Prof_Hinkley

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

@Beer_Blonde_

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

@molly7anne

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

@skittle624

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

@dugglebutt

1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?