ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed