ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.

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TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.


Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.


[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?


me: [offering joint] wanna hit


me: nvm ur already high lol


scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before


I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable


A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.


when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad


Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”


My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.


1984: is my house bugged??

Today: Alexa, is my house bugged?