ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms