@BCMontgo

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

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@iGreenMonk

Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.

@realHamOnWry

A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.

@XplodingUnicorn

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

@Home_Halfway

PROFESSOR X: What is your super power

LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times

PROFESSOR X: Astonishing

@iwearaonesie

wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree

@FredTaming

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

@littleliterally

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.

@VanGobot

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours