Just waved back at someone at the gym who was waving at the person behind me and now I’m looking for a new gym.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he’s thinking about something else.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
PROFESSOR X: What is your super power
LOU BEGA: I can mambo a 5th time without having to mambo 1-4 times
PROFESSOR X: Astonishing
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours