Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
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Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*