@WheelTod

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

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@philandher96

“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”

~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied

@DanTaylorAuthor

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

@Donna_McCoy

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

@shutupmikeginn

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

@my_boy_joey

I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

@NichollsTerence

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

@hipchkk

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.