Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.