ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back