ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

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“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.


Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on


Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.


Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.


When I’m bored I venmo cash to strangers with messages like “you looked so peaceful while you were sleeping”.


Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails


ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no


An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs