Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.