me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
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what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.