Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”