Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

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Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.


Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was


I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.


Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.

Then its 100%.


“This is not fair!” – Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.


I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage


Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting