Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Brain: We’ve got lots to do today.
Body: You’re on your own buddy.
Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.
Then its 100%.
“This is not fair!” – Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.
I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.
-The inventor of massage
Seven Worst Crimes:
6. Over cooking a steak
3. Buying cheap tequila
1. Inspirational tweeting
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people