Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Bit chilly again tonight.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.