Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
this could fix me
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.