LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
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Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.