Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
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The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Always a metermaid never a meter
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Taking phone security to the next level.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile