@djdarrellripley

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

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@tchrquotes

If you’re filling a glass up and stop halfway, it’s half full. If you’re emptying a glass and stop halfway, it’s half empty.
You’re welcome

@WilliamAder

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

@TheNewsAtGlenn

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

@justabloodygame

*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“Hey”
Hello!
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?

@kimtopher22

“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”

@pilau

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

@realfunghi

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

@TheMichaelRock

I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.

@neiltyson

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.