@djdarrellripley

Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?

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@sucittaM

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

@IamJackBoot

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

@mejustbeth

Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.

@jctwritesstuff

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

@causticbob

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

@murrman5

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

@JaneBadall

“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.

@bornmiserable

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year