Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
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If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My dog thinks I collect small bags of poo
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
“I’d hit that.” Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year