ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
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The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant