bro what is going on at twitter
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.