cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50
Date: oh dear god no
Me: *counting my money* what about $57?
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GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
America is getting murder hornets
Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
me: stop it
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking