Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50
Date: oh dear god no
Me: *counting my money* what about $57?
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I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”
Things the GOP has battled this week: