@captainkalvis

me: would you ever hit someone with a car for $50

Date: oh dear god no

Me: *counting my money* what about $57?

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@leducviolet

Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe

@YourAnMoron

I accidentally just laughed at something my 4-year-old did so now I have to pretend to laugh as she does it forty thousand more times.

@SteveSuckington

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

@DanLaMorte

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

@JPLFR80

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

@KentWGraham

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

@TheDailySchmuck

Every time I’m the only black person at a party I think: “Wow. I helped them make quota.”

@alexblagg

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence