Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
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Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
i think my razor is having a panic attack
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad