Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

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Who the hell decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? “NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME” would have been more relevant.


[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.


Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.


She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that’s like telling a samurai not to use his sword


Dating is good practice for parenting because you learn not to care when someone is crying in a restaurant.


Haunted by a ghost that hates confrontation they just leave notes on my bathroom mirror like “saw u werent scared by me last nite whats up?”


Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?


Me: yeah was bingo the name of the dog or the farmer

Professor: i meant questions about the exa- holy shit