Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Oh no
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Ape together strong
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s