Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
ouch
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.