@therealeatwood

ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.

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@QwertyJones3

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

@13spencer

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

@Social_Mime

My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.

@iIIustrous

NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY

@blonde_sandiego

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

@AimeeHelene1

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

@mortimermaiden

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!