In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
You Might Also Like
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”