ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.

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PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam


Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”


My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.


NOOO my little brother had his christening today and the reception place confused his name with my weeb sisters gmail name and IM GONNA CRY


It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.


*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*


*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say


Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!