me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy