Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.