Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

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[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water


There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.


wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave


If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity


ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop


What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?


Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.


i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere


Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.


[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”