@OctopusCaveman

Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork

My son: No thanks

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@_corichardson

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

her: omg!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@OrdinaryAlso

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

@abbycohenwl

If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity

@AnOrangeSNES

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

@mydmac

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

@LoveNLunchmeat

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

@leifromloihi

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

@hammbone84

Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.

@KeetPotato

[if trump wins somehow]
alien: “i said take me to your leader”
me: “dude i swear this is him”