Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
(Electricians.)
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in