me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Natty or not?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee