Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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philosophical skeletons be like
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Y’all ready for this
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.