Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”
My hair is purple, guys. Purple.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.
*points at hotel towels*