Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

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Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.


I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date


Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.


[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”


My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.

Um how about you continue to live here?


I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.


“I’ll Knock You Into Next Week” have black mothers invented time travel? Details at 11. #ABCReports


People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die