Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
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ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.