me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival