date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
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Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Lmfaoooooo
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
car not found
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”