They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
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How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?
FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Battery falling down a hole
One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?