@HenpeckedHal

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

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@Hect0rMayorga

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

@Half_Mex75

How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?

@trojansauce

FRIEND:i suffer badly with insomnia
ME:what’s that
FRIEND:it’s where you can’t sleep
ME:you just*lays down*just like this *falls asleep*see?

@slimmy_shady

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.

@EJGomez

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn