God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
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Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.
“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”