Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

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God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*


My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.


Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?


Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.


I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.


Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.


Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.


When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.


Soooooo I have been writing reviews for about ten years. My wife’s review of Alien puts everything I have ever written to shame.

“Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman, and then they all die except for the smart woman and her cat. Four stars.”