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ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
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Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.