@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

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@lilgapeach30

Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.

@Donna_McCoy

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

@robin_991

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

@MrJeremyHorn

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

@jtrulez

Fear does not exist in this dojo. And neither does air conditioning or proper ventilation, so you will all be sparring in your underwear.

@Buffalojilll

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

@mrtruthandsoul

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

@TheAlexNevil

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot