ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
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Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”